The following comes to you courtesy of an actual AIM conversation earlier this afternoon, between myself and my friend Wang. Any similarity between people mentioned below and real-life people is fully intentional. Warning: The conversation also talks about things like sex, so if you do not want to read about it, go 'way. Wang: So I feel like a terrible person. Ful: Why? Wang: Because I'm about to convince my girlfriend that the "birthday blowjob" is a part of american history. Ful: Oh good christ. Wang: And that any american boyfriend she's had before just didn't mention it. Ful: THAT is funny. Ful: You know what I think is REALLY REALLY REALLY funny? Wang: Disneyland? Ful: DisneyWORLD, and no. Wang: oh. Right. Wang: Sorry. Ful: The part that is tremendously funny to ME, Ful: is the fact that you are coming up with some ploy to get a blowjob. Wang: I don't have to. Wang: I mean. This isn't any kind of ploy for sex. It's just a ploy to continue the idea. Ful: mmmm hm. Wang: If I can convince her, then all her friends... Wang: "Hey, you know what I heard. In this country it's polite to give/receive oral sex for birthdays." Wang: etc, etc. Ful: HAHAHA Wang: Not like that, you sicko. Ful: I know. Ful: I just tend to think it is funny in general, when straight guys are all, "My girlfriend won't go down on me, how can I get my girlfriend to go down on me, all I want out of my life is a blowjob." Ful: I am not saying that is what YOU are doing, Ful: as I can see that you're operating solely out of a desire to help your Fellow Man when he is dating one of your girlfriend's friends. Wang: Ah. Wang: Okay. Wang: Exactly. Soon the urban legend will spread. Wang: It's legs. Ful: I don't think I've EVER had an "encounter" that didn't involve...well. You know. Wang: Spread legs? Wang: Urban Legends? Ful: No, not spread legs. Ful: Some blow job. Wang: You've never had a birthday not include a BJ? Ful: I've had several birthdays without blowjobs, Wang: So what, "encounter?" exactly are we talking about. Ful: but I've never slept with anyone maybe EVER, where a blowjob did not factor in to the proceedings. Wang: So everybody you've slept with, you've given or received head from? Ful: Pretty much, yeah. Wang: Well. Wang: That's interesting. Wang: So..... Wang: On a personal level. Wang: What else could I want for my birthday? Ful: Um Ful: are you actually asking me what sexual favors you might ask your girlfriend to perform for you? Wang: No. I'm asking you for gift ideas. Ful: Oh. Ful: An extra iPod so you can give one to me? Wang: That's two. If Little Owl says the same thing. I'm going to shoot you all. Ful: You know that if it happened, Ful: you would SO give it to me instead of Owl. Ful: You KNOW you would. Wang: Except that shiv has dibs. She offered cash. Ful: I SO GET IT!!! Ful: Wang!!! Ful: You KNOW that I should get it. Ful: She doesn't even own a Mac. Wang: Right. You should. But she offered money. What could you possibly offer me? Ful: !!!!!!!!!!!! Ful: Wang!!!! Ful: That's just...it's just NOT RIGHT. Ful: Have a little LOYALTY, man. Wang: What? Ful: LOYALTY to ME. And my MacExpo-going ways!! Wang: You would expect me to just give it to you. Wang: Mac loyalty goes a long way, true. Wang: But... Ful: BUT NOTHIN'. Wang: At least offer me a trade. Wang: Like.. a pony. Ful: I have no pony. Ful: "I hanker for a hunka, a bite a piece a chunka, I hanker for a hunka...CHEEEEEeeeese." Ful: I will sing you songs. Ful: And I will bring you a keychain that says "WANG" on it from DisneyWorld. Wang: Sigh... Ful: Or a hat. Ful: If you'd rather have a hat. Wang: Shiv just offered me anal sex.** Wang: Beat that! Ful: She DID NOT. Wang: She so did. Ful: Besides, she'd have to use a strap-on. I have the natural equipment. Wang: Excuse me? What part of my personality suggested that I would be a bottom? Ful: Well, you didn't specify, now did you? Ful: And what does "personality" have to do with being a bottom? Wang: nothing really. Ful: (laugh) Wang: I was making a bottom joke. Ful: Besides. That way, not only could I GIVE you a pony... Ful: I could MAKE you a pony. Ful: MY pony.
** Please note: Shiv claims that she has never offered anal sex to Wang; she has merely made the observation that he has never asked her for it nicely.
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